So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I would ride that face into the sunset
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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