The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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