I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
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