The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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