You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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