Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
