i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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