Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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