You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
