Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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