why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
