He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
