i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
