I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
