So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
