I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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