Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
