My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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