I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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