There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
