he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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