I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
