Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
