I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
