either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
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