So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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