She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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