Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
