How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
