I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
