The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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