i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
