how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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