I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
