Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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