He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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