living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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