Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
