You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
