sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
