Banned from zoo.
Again?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I could fuck to npr.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
