he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
