so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
