I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
