I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Randomize
