We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
