you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dicks are not precious.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
