The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
