Kiss
Puke
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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