Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
