I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
