Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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