Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
